The Next Kid Who Kancho's Me Will Be Blasted to the Moon 次の朕を浣腸する男児っ垂は月まで撃つ

I had a semi-good morning that was unfortunately marred by two incidents.
今朝は半分ぐらいよかったけど二つの悪い事件がった。

First, I have gotten used to the kancho'ing. By that I mean I no longer scream with horror like I did on exchange. Now I just grab the offender's hand, push, and tell him to stop. It doesn't work, but usually the kid is only playing anyway, so I let it slide.
まず、カンチョーされるのは慣れた。ということは、留学中のようにもうひどく叫ばない。今はただ犯人の手をつかんで押してやめなさいという。有効はあまりないけど子供はただ遊んでいるので大体気にしない。

Not today. The little bugger got a direct hit on me, and after I grabbed him and said, if he does it again, he will die, he happily said that he wanted to die if it meant kancho'ing me. This is the end. The next kid (by which I mean boy because girls don't do this) that pokes at my ass will be slapped in the face so hard Emperor Akihito will lean out of the Imperial Palace in Tokyo and say 'WTF wuz that?' and then go back to playing Counterstrike against Hu Jintao.
でも今日は違う。男児っ垂がよく撃った。彼をつかんで「もう一回すると殺されるよ」といったけどただ「殺されていい！」と答えた。これは最後だ。次の朕の 尻を打つ男児（女子がしないよ）が朕にそんなに強くて撃たれて平成天皇が東京の皇居で聴こえて「なんじゃったそりゃ？」と言う。それからは胡錦濤とのカウンターストライクの大会を続ける。

I think I'm going to have to hold an assembly to explain this to everyone. Now, to anyone who complains that kancho'ing is part of Japanese culture and I should live with it, first, fuck you, and second, the other teachers don't get kancho'ed. While I enjoy playing with the kids, I realize I must become my sixth-grade teacher, Mr. Lynch, if I am ever to command respect. Therefore death is imminent for some grade school kids.
多分朝会をして皆に説明しなくちゃかもしれない。あ、もし誰かが「これは日本の文化だよ、我慢しなくちゃよ」といえば、一、てめぇは糞っ垂、二、他の先生 はカンチョーされていないよ！子供達と遊んでいるのが好きだけど、やっぱり尊敬されてほしかったら自分の厳しい六年生のリンチュー先生みたい怖くならなく ちゃかな。それで或る小学生に死神がそろそろ来るぜ。

The second downer of the day was when I had lunch in the classroom. We had a good lunch, even though the one piece of gyouza was cold, and I sat next to the hyperactive kid. It's true, isn't it - the students with the worst personalities are the ones who pick up English the fastest. It must have something to do with the way the brain is wired to get what one desires. Anyway, said kid and another kid were doing extreme bullying on one boy - I'm talking constant making fun of his name, telling him to die, giving the finger, etc. The teacher either did not see (possible, especially in a large class such as this) or was unable to discipline them.
二番目の悪い事件は給食中だった。餃子は冷たかったのに美味しかった、そして朕が速度過敏の男子の隣で座っていた。本当だね・・・最悪な性格ならすぐ英語 を習う。なんか欲しい物を指す脳味噌の中で関係あるかな。とにかく、この子ともう一人の男児が或る男子を物凄くいじめていた。止まらない名前を馬鹿にす る、死ねと言っている、中指を示す、等。生徒が多かったから先生が見えなかった、それとも、規律できなかった。

I told one kid to shut up, but he ignored me. I then laughed and said his nose was big and his ass was showing. The other kids in the room laughed at him, and he turned red and told me to shut up. Aha, I said, you don't like it when you're made fun of by someone with more power, do you? So leave the other kid alone. This worked for about five seconds before he continued to make life hell for the other kid.
一人の生徒に口を閉めといったけど無視した。朕がそれから笑って彼の鼻が大きいし尻が出ているといった。彼がすぐ「うるさい！！」と叫んだ。「あは、」朕がいった、「馬鹿にされているのが好くじゃないね！だからやめなさい！」。又その男子の命を地獄にする前にこれは五秒ぐらい有効あった。

After a constant lunch period of this, the bullied kid finally said something like 'shut up' to his oppressors, causing hyperactive kid to jump out of his chair, run over and punch the bullied kid in the head. Just like what happened with the first grader at the School of No Discipline, I exploded.
給食時間ではこればかりだった。結局いじめられている男子が「うるさいな」とかといったけど、過敏男児が椅子から飛んで男子まで走って彼の頭を打った。規律なし小学校の一年生に起こった事件のように、朕が爆発した。

I jumped out of my chair and separated the two, shoved them both down, and screamed at them. We're talking next two classrooms over hearing. I basically said that if you hated each other that much, then ignore each other. If I ever saw anyone hit anyone again, I would never come back to this class. I told them that bullying causes suicide and murder. If I saw anyone being bullied, then I would unleash hell. I then punched the wall hard enough to panic the kids in the next room and said that if they enjoyed hurting other kids with words, then they were going to be hurt by my fist.
朕が椅子から飛んであの二人を分けて、椅子に座らせて、叫んだ。隣の隣の教室で朕の声が聞こえた叫びだった。基本的には、互いがそんなに嫌いなら、互いを 無視してといった。誰かを打つのを二度みたらもうこの授業に来ないっていった。いじめは自殺と殺人の原因だと述べた。朕がいじめを見たら、地獄の束縛を解 くと約束した。それからは隣の教室の子供達をぎょっとさせるほど壁を打って、言葉で他人を傷つけるのが好きなれば、今度は朕の拳に傷つけられるようにな る。

Scare tactics, of course. But the old samurai toughness works, sometimes. Hopefully we can all get along like poor court nobles.
怖い作戦だけだよ、勿論。でも武道の強さをたまに見せるのは有効だと思う。皆が公家みたいに仲良しになれると望むけどさ。

But I will toss the next kid who bullies or attempts to kancho me out the window.
しかし、次のいじめをする生徒か朕をカンチョーしてみる生徒を窓から投げるよ。